“I love your writing style and your vulnerability is pretty amazing. My dad was married to someone who was bipolar – it was and is still hard for me to understand. This makes me think for sure.
Artsi~! Thank you for the compliment…I love writing…and using ‘creative’ punctuation 😉
As for my vulnerability…that’s just pure honesty. As an alcoholic it’s very common for us/me to lie to everyone around me, even myself, to get what I want (usually booze and drugs). And sometimes, I’d even lie for no reason, just to lie. It’s a component of the disease shared by many. And then my Bipolar brain would throw a big Paranoia wench in there, too. I HAD to lie to stay safe and alive…I thought. I’ve lived a life fearing practically everything. So, I grew this shield, this coat to hide behind. Lots of acting in my little world…I thought I had everyone fooled…but nope. Like you, they saw a vulnerable me or a stinky nasty lying me.
And, in my Bipolar mind…I thought that everyone was lying, because that’s what we do to survive…(Man, THAT shit is truly sick.)
One part of my initial plan to get heathy was not to lie, at all, for any reason. Sounds easy, right? It’s not…not for this alcoholic. I still have to check myself on occasion and correct things if needed. And even at this stage I must remain every strict with myself. Yes, it’s been almost 4 years…but the first two of those were me just trying to walk the walk. I was still twisted up and more of a dry drunk than a recovering one. Big difference. I honestly think that it has taken until now, 4 years with no alcohol and the tremendous heath issues, for me to be clear enough, ready enough and still scared shitless of alcohol enough to prepare to learn how to live like a normal human. (I tell ya, Artsi…I’m on my knees a lot~!)
For now, that fear I have is exactly what I need. Because I am vulnerable, still.
The group I meet with has many to-the-point sayings that can turn into little prayers (for me at least). One saying is “We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.” It’s one of my very favorites…because I know that I am not perfect, will never be perfect, and I’m thankful that I am not required to be perfect…(oiy, what a burden)…but I will progress and learn about this life of mine and the world around me as it happens.
So, not drinking and consciously taking my bipolar meds are the two primary tasks in my life…and they will be for the remainder of my life. They will come before EVERYTHING else.
To be honest (!) this getting a grip thing is amazing. Even with the health issues, my bipolar rearing it’s ugly head…I am having a freaking blast. I sleep. I dream. I wake up. I laugh…because today, I know what I did yesterday. And today I will learn to love and accept myself a little bit more.
All in all, Artsi…I see my challenges as gifts…and as I nurture them, they will help me grow.
Now, about understanding Bipolar, I’ll give you this…there is a basic foundation to the disease…but from there it can take any shape. It’s a sneaky-assed bastard that you just have to keep an eye on, waiting for the tell. If you really want some very information reading material, look for any of Kay Jamison’s books. She saved me. And the books were actually quite enjoyable to read.
She’s up on my Facebook timeline…check her out if you like. (I call her the Bipolar Joseph Campbell~!) https://www.facebook.com/KayRedfieldJamison
And hang out here, too…I’ll be exploring, digging deeply into my experiences…as well, I hope, as the experiences of others.
Okay, dang…I’m moving your comment Artsi…because I just wrote a blog post and I’m going to tag you for today. Ha~!