A Comment & Its Reply Turn Into a Post. Poof~!

Original Comment Submitted 7/9/2012, Author: Artsifrtsy artsifrtsy.wordpress.com  /  artsifrtsy@yahoo.com

“I love your writing style and your vulnerability is pretty amazing. My dad was married to someone who was bipolar – it was and is still hard for me to understand. This makes me think for sure.

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Artsi~! Thank you for the compliment…I love writing…and using ‘creative’ punctuation 😉

As for my vulnerability…that’s just pure honesty. As an alcoholic it’s very common for us/me to lie to everyone around me, even myself, to get what I want (usually booze and drugs). And sometimes, I’d even lie for no reason, just to lie. It’s a component of the disease shared by many. And then my Bipolar brain would throw a big Paranoia wench in there, too. I HAD to lie to stay safe and alive…I thought. I’ve lived a life fearing practically everything. So, I grew this shield, this coat to hide behind. Lots of acting in my little world…I thought I had everyone fooled…but nope. Like you, they saw a vulnerable me or a stinky nasty lying me.

And, in my Bipolar mind…I thought that everyone was lying, because that’s what we do to survive…(Man, THAT shit is truly sick.)

One part of my initial plan to get heathy was not to lie, at all, for any reason. Sounds easy, right? It’s not…not for this alcoholic. I still have to check myself on occasion and correct things if needed. And even at this stage I must remain every strict with myself. Yes, it’s been almost 4 years…but the first two of those were me just trying to walk the walk. I was still twisted up and more of a dry drunk than a recovering one. Big difference. I honestly think that it has taken until now, 4 years with no alcohol and the tremendous heath issues, for me to be clear enough, ready enough and still scared shitless of alcohol enough to prepare to learn how to live like a normal human. (I tell ya, Artsi…I’m on my knees a lot~!)

For now, that fear I have is exactly what I need. Because I am vulnerable, still.

The group I meet with has many to-the-point sayings that can turn into little prayers (for me at least). One saying is “We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.” It’s one of my very favorites…because I know that I am not perfect, will never be perfect, and I’m thankful that I am not required to be perfect…(oiy, what a burden)…but I will progress and learn about this life of mine and the world around me as it happens.

So, not drinking and consciously taking my bipolar meds are the two primary tasks in my life…and they will be for the remainder of my life. They will come before EVERYTHING else.

To be honest (!) this getting a grip thing is amazing. Even with the health issues, my bipolar rearing it’s ugly head…I am having a freaking blast. I sleep. I dream. I wake up. I laugh…because today, I know what I did yesterday. And today I will learn to love and accept myself a little bit more.

All in all, Artsi…I see my challenges as gifts…and as I nurture them, they will help me grow.

Now, about understanding Bipolar, I’ll give you this…there is a basic foundation to the disease…but from there it can take any shape. It’s a sneaky-assed bastard that you just have to keep an eye on, waiting for the tell. If you really want some very information reading material, look for any of Kay Jamison’s books. She saved me. And the books were actually quite enjoyable to read.

She’s up on my Facebook timeline…check her out if you like. (I call her the Bipolar Joseph Campbell~!)  https://www.facebook.com/KayRedfieldJamison

And hang out here, too…I’ll be exploring, digging deeply into my experiences…as well, I hope, as the experiences of others.

Okay, dang…I’m moving your comment Artsi…because I just wrote a blog post and I’m going to tag you for today. Ha~!

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I Can’t Wait To See What I Do Next…or Bipolar Boozing…How Fucking Awesome~!

Recently, I’ve noticed that when I find myself spiraling up into bipolar mania, I become more direct and honest. Honesty? Yep…

I’m on a whole new trip with this bipolar/alcoholic brain I have. And the lessons are tremendous. Emotionally, I’m much more sensitive to my feelings…I believe I’ve developed a personal empathy for myself. Not selfish or ego-centric self indulgence, but true feelings. This is new. My first time truly experiencing ‘feelings’.

This time, with my Bipolar and experiencing a Manic episode, I am without my alcohol for the longest period of my life. I used booze to kill the truth, to kill the feelings…but now…

I have a whole new perspective on my life, past, present and what’s next. I am no longer completely emotionally crippled by my diseases. I still struggle with my Bipolar. But, again, it’s so very different than what I went through in my past.

The biggest discovery is that I am able identify what is happening and to hold myself together, to stay safe, if I apply a deliberate mind to my actions…. And then I find I’m given many, many more answers.

I began drinking heavily at 12 years old, and since then I haven’t experienced life where I wasn’t drunk, swimming in the bipolar pool…or on the edge, waiting to do both. And though I was born bipolar and an alcoholic, I wasn’t diagnosed with the bipolar disease until about 2002, its big trigger was then traced to soon after I was 23, and raped at gun point by two men who had broken into my home. This happened twice, about ten days apart, by the same men – (Thank you, Memphis, you’re one fine fucked up piece o’ shit city.) Yep, I loved the liquor, excellent way to kill all real feelings and memories. Plus, it was able to boss my Bipolar around. Too Depressed? Drink. Pass out. No Memories~! Too Manic? Drink. Drink. Believe Every Stupid Thing Your Brain Tells You~!

All of my life I handled, wrangled and slapped that asshole Bipolar (or my ‘feelings’) with all of the alcohol I could drink…LOTS of alcohol. I bet I had at least 2 liters running through my system at all times.

And THAT would trigger more episodes. Evil/Vicious circle? Ya’betcha. I drank to live, and I lived to drink. And, of course, my bipolar was all medicated by the booze and I could pass-out (I didn’t really sleep for many many years…I passed-out instead.) Yep, it kept the bipolar at bay…I misguidedly thought.

So…this…right NOW…is the first time I’ve experienced a real Bipolar episode in my entire life…because it’s been almost 4 years (which is a fucking miracle,) since I stopped drinking. Sobriety date: 10/31/08…Halloween, baby~! Isn’t that appropriate?

At this point, I’m just on the other side of my third month of rapid cycling. Rapid cycling is when I can go from Mania to Depression several times a DAY…and sometimes At The Same Time. Scary shit, y’all…but also the part that many bipolars love because everything is very clear and sharp…we become intensely creative and we are bullet proof…and we get thirsty. Or, we self-medicate. If only the mania would just stay right in that creative crevice…but no…It has to go get all worse and crap. Bad Bipolar, Bad…now sit~! DANGER DANGER~!

Now, with eyes wide, I recognize what is happening. That this IS my danger zone with these diseases. I’m able to get medical help immediately. And I am able to meet with a group daily that keeps me in check.

It’s been very difficult, I must say. At the onset of the mania, my doctor and I had no idea what to do. We weren’t able to judge the effects of the Bipolar medications I’d taken through the years because they’d been mixed with booze. This was uncharted. We’ve had to start from scratch.

Again…It’s been really freakin’ hard…I have a bag full of meds that didn’t work…from antidepressants to serious antipsychotics.

To clarify, we’ve been adjusting my treatment for about a year and a half now…way before this manic period began. We had to start then because I began having TIAs (mini-strokes) from the anti-psychotic I was taking at that time. And then the ‘absence seizures’. And then the hallucinations. So, I know everybody’s name at the Eureka Hospital (awesome folks, love them~!) and Clinic and Smith’s Pharm and ECHO, most of the folks at Washington Regional Stroke Unit and (my favorites) the Stroke Unit at Mercy Hospital in Springfield, Mo…they were super cool~! [Little story: I was Medivaced (sp?) to Mo., gained consciousness for about a minute during which I got super giddy laughing and clapping that we were on a spaceship going to the mother planet~! The woman sitting beside me told me that I was the first stoke patient to wake up laughing…then she and the pilot joined me.]

And the Eureka EMTs? OMDogs…The. Best. Ever…Ever. Amazing humans, all with the love of the job in their hearts. [One more little story and I’m out: It’s dinnertime…I’m in the kitchen at Wanda’s…that’s all I remember until I come too much later. But, the story Wanda and the EMT guys that picked me up that night tell me is that the lead guy said hi to me, asked me how I was and if I knew his name. My response was that I was just fine and his name was ‘Sweetie Pie’. I hear he’s still getting ribbed for that at the station~! Ha~!]

Life changes with every breath…I love breathing. This blog has now become my personal check point. I’m alive, and I’m heathy and I love this fucking bat-shit crazy life.

So much more…so much…I’ve just learned how to love myself, now to share the love…

[note: I’m keeping the old blog posts to myself…mainly because they are good for me to see just how ugly I could be, and how misguided. I don’t want to forget that…]

Manic Janet

Okay friends…these are the things I experience when I’m in low-level Mania, yep, low…(just imagin how I get hwen I’m in Full Tilt Mania…HIDE my credit cards~!):
1. No Sleep, or at least, little sleep; I’ve only slept for five hours in the last three days.
2. The house gets REALLY clean.
3. I get really dirty… 😉
4. I make art…LOTS of art.
5. I post like a motherfucker.
6. I tend to cuss, but fuck it, who cares anyyway 😉
7. My eyes get bulgy…which is super weird because I already have big eyes. (and they is purdy~!
8. I do things that I would never do…like being on City Council…hahahaaaaahaa~! (That shit gave me my first TIA, Trans Ischemic Attack, I just KNOW it did.) Ha. (I cannot believe that I spelled ‘Iscemic’ correctly~! YEAH m…oh, oops 😉
***Hey, Starbaby (aka Debby Polis Carter)…crappy ass links aren’t linking…anyway, you are in charge of my spelling–or typos–today. So there. But you are probably at/in school, if so, you ccan go on duty when you come home.***(okay, why would I say that? Because you won’t even be online until class is over and you’re home — oh, shit…wait. I’m not making any sence, am I? I probably should go back to arting — Ima Freak. SuperFreak, Yeah Yeah.) *Biscuit* (My mechanics are also heitened…<-see, freakin’ eclipses everywhere~! <= Oh, and another squily thing with an excalmation point. Yawn, already…Pffft.)
9. Meanwhile, back at the ranch…Turn the air down to 50 because I’m sweating like a…ah…what sweats a lot? And don’t say pig…I know pigs…those bastards DON’T sweat.
10. Lose weight…Yay Baby~! I still eat but the manic miotabulation burns hothot…bye-bye boobs…always the first to go. sigh. And lots of fruit…love fruit…g’rapes are my fav because they are lagetimate…so No Calories…Shut it down, baby…Shut. It. Down 😉
11. Write…I have VOLUMES of journayls full of Stream of Conciousness and angst like a 15yo, which is kinda like this… but this is a numberd list, which makes me look all organized and schtuff.
(I’m a mentiroso femenino about being organized when manic. For example: Yes, as I stated in #2, the house does get super clean but it’s an odd process. I make piles of things and then I move stuff from pile to pile, until the things in the piles all belong — sing along with me — most of these things are related to each other, but one of these things ust doesn’t belong — end)…jeez, WTF am I say/singing?
Hello Mania~!
12. Okay, back to the ranch…again…I start talking to myself and as I talk I will stop at a ramdomd word and spell it outloud loud. Ha.
Okay that’s it…(fucking elipses) I’m really starting to annoy myself — and you I suppose (that ‘you’ is 3rd person, I reckon. The LDs are even bored with me.
That reminds me, BC1 (aka Ki-kers) brought me a chipmunk yesterday. The poor thing was so very dead. I just had to chop off It’s pretty lil’ tail to keep for an art instaltion Im’ working on…you’l see the instaltion soon. Maybe. I don’t know.
Can’t wait to see what I do next
*Biscuits to all* I’m out, the piles await my return.

Dear Lithium…you make me wanna shimmy-shimmy shake

I’ve lost my sense of humor. Blame it on the drugs. It’s become bothersome. My bipolar has sat down on my head and made life just plain hard again. The simple act of typing has degraded into two finger pecking. I shake so that by the time I’m awake in the morning I already have to take one of my special pills to keep me from biting my tongue, or worse.

These are probably the Lithium shakes, which are very common especially in anyone whose been on lithium for a good length of time, like me. These shakes are deep and throughout my body. I’d actually call them quakes.

I’ve tried keeping myself extra warm, like the quakes are caused by being cool. But that hasn’t worked. They are not connected to body temperature…or mood or tension. They just come on like a steamroller and flatten my ass.

I haven’t gotten much work done, though I’m really aching to do some down and dirty intensive brain activity. But the brain is shaking too. And it’s hard to think when your teeth are constantly chattering. If I take enough of my special medicine to make it stop, everything stops…no thinking, no creativity, no talking. And I’m lucky if I can do the two-finger qwerty dance.

Walking seems to relieve it a bit…but then there is the whole bumping and tripping into things. My hips have permeant bruises. Makes me think of my favorite Dresden Dolls song…

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