Category Archives: Manic

Say It Forward – Bipolar Awareness Day

Today is International Bipolar Awareness Day.  You can reach the official site at Say It Forward – International Bipolar Awareness Day

Yesterday I recorded this YouTube video for my personal records, and then realized it’s timeliness.

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A Comment & Its Reply Turn Into a Post. Poof~!

Original Comment Submitted 7/9/2012, Author: Artsifrtsy artsifrtsy.wordpress.com  /  artsifrtsy@yahoo.com

“I love your writing style and your vulnerability is pretty amazing. My dad was married to someone who was bipolar – it was and is still hard for me to understand. This makes me think for sure.

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Artsi~! Thank you for the compliment…I love writing…and using ‘creative’ punctuation 😉

As for my vulnerability…that’s just pure honesty. As an alcoholic it’s very common for us/me to lie to everyone around me, even myself, to get what I want (usually booze and drugs). And sometimes, I’d even lie for no reason, just to lie. It’s a component of the disease shared by many. And then my Bipolar brain would throw a big Paranoia wench in there, too. I HAD to lie to stay safe and alive…I thought. I’ve lived a life fearing practically everything. So, I grew this shield, this coat to hide behind. Lots of acting in my little world…I thought I had everyone fooled…but nope. Like you, they saw a vulnerable me or a stinky nasty lying me.

And, in my Bipolar mind…I thought that everyone was lying, because that’s what we do to survive…(Man, THAT shit is truly sick.)

One part of my initial plan to get heathy was not to lie, at all, for any reason. Sounds easy, right? It’s not…not for this alcoholic. I still have to check myself on occasion and correct things if needed. And even at this stage I must remain every strict with myself. Yes, it’s been almost 4 years…but the first two of those were me just trying to walk the walk. I was still twisted up and more of a dry drunk than a recovering one. Big difference. I honestly think that it has taken until now, 4 years with no alcohol and the tremendous heath issues, for me to be clear enough, ready enough and still scared shitless of alcohol enough to prepare to learn how to live like a normal human. (I tell ya, Artsi…I’m on my knees a lot~!)

For now, that fear I have is exactly what I need. Because I am vulnerable, still.

The group I meet with has many to-the-point sayings that can turn into little prayers (for me at least). One saying is “We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.” It’s one of my very favorites…because I know that I am not perfect, will never be perfect, and I’m thankful that I am not required to be perfect…(oiy, what a burden)…but I will progress and learn about this life of mine and the world around me as it happens.

So, not drinking and consciously taking my bipolar meds are the two primary tasks in my life…and they will be for the remainder of my life. They will come before EVERYTHING else.

To be honest (!) this getting a grip thing is amazing. Even with the health issues, my bipolar rearing it’s ugly head…I am having a freaking blast. I sleep. I dream. I wake up. I laugh…because today, I know what I did yesterday. And today I will learn to love and accept myself a little bit more.

All in all, Artsi…I see my challenges as gifts…and as I nurture them, they will help me grow.

Now, about understanding Bipolar, I’ll give you this…there is a basic foundation to the disease…but from there it can take any shape. It’s a sneaky-assed bastard that you just have to keep an eye on, waiting for the tell. If you really want some very information reading material, look for any of Kay Jamison’s books. She saved me. And the books were actually quite enjoyable to read.

She’s up on my Facebook timeline…check her out if you like. (I call her the Bipolar Joseph Campbell~!)  https://www.facebook.com/KayRedfieldJamison

And hang out here, too…I’ll be exploring, digging deeply into my experiences…as well, I hope, as the experiences of others.

Okay, dang…I’m moving your comment Artsi…because I just wrote a blog post and I’m going to tag you for today. Ha~!

Manic Janet

Okay friends…these are the things I experience when I’m in low-level Mania, yep, low…(just imagin how I get hwen I’m in Full Tilt Mania…HIDE my credit cards~!):
1. No Sleep, or at least, little sleep; I’ve only slept for five hours in the last three days.
2. The house gets REALLY clean.
3. I get really dirty… 😉
4. I make art…LOTS of art.
5. I post like a motherfucker.
6. I tend to cuss, but fuck it, who cares anyyway 😉
7. My eyes get bulgy…which is super weird because I already have big eyes. (and they is purdy~!
8. I do things that I would never do…like being on City Council…hahahaaaaahaa~! (That shit gave me my first TIA, Trans Ischemic Attack, I just KNOW it did.) Ha. (I cannot believe that I spelled ‘Iscemic’ correctly~! YEAH m…oh, oops 😉
***Hey, Starbaby (aka Debby Polis Carter)…crappy ass links aren’t linking…anyway, you are in charge of my spelling–or typos–today. So there. But you are probably at/in school, if so, you ccan go on duty when you come home.***(okay, why would I say that? Because you won’t even be online until class is over and you’re home — oh, shit…wait. I’m not making any sence, am I? I probably should go back to arting — Ima Freak. SuperFreak, Yeah Yeah.) *Biscuit* (My mechanics are also heitened…<-see, freakin’ eclipses everywhere~! <= Oh, and another squily thing with an excalmation point. Yawn, already…Pffft.)
9. Meanwhile, back at the ranch…Turn the air down to 50 because I’m sweating like a…ah…what sweats a lot? And don’t say pig…I know pigs…those bastards DON’T sweat.
10. Lose weight…Yay Baby~! I still eat but the manic miotabulation burns hothot…bye-bye boobs…always the first to go. sigh. And lots of fruit…love fruit…g’rapes are my fav because they are lagetimate…so No Calories…Shut it down, baby…Shut. It. Down 😉
11. Write…I have VOLUMES of journayls full of Stream of Conciousness and angst like a 15yo, which is kinda like this… but this is a numberd list, which makes me look all organized and schtuff.
(I’m a mentiroso femenino about being organized when manic. For example: Yes, as I stated in #2, the house does get super clean but it’s an odd process. I make piles of things and then I move stuff from pile to pile, until the things in the piles all belong — sing along with me — most of these things are related to each other, but one of these things ust doesn’t belong — end)…jeez, WTF am I say/singing?
Hello Mania~!
12. Okay, back to the ranch…again…I start talking to myself and as I talk I will stop at a ramdomd word and spell it outloud loud. Ha.
Okay that’s it…(fucking elipses) I’m really starting to annoy myself — and you I suppose (that ‘you’ is 3rd person, I reckon. The LDs are even bored with me.
That reminds me, BC1 (aka Ki-kers) brought me a chipmunk yesterday. The poor thing was so very dead. I just had to chop off It’s pretty lil’ tail to keep for an art instaltion Im’ working on…you’l see the instaltion soon. Maybe. I don’t know.
Can’t wait to see what I do next
*Biscuits to all* I’m out, the piles await my return.