Ah…I’m Done. It’s just too hard.

News: I avoided the latest on-coming mania carnival…thanks to meds which have taken away my personality and left me flat and uncaring. So I’m heading into traffic…
The rest of it:
I don’t sleep. I don’t want to take the new antipsychotic my Doc prescribed, because the voices and visions were fascinating…when they didn’t scare the holy living shit out of me…they were my ONLY source of entertainment.
I’m SUPER paranoid. I don’t trust anyone. NO one. I even convinced myself that one of my dogs didn’t really like me. I deleted over 200 Facebook friends. Closed several other social accounts.
I have constant pressure behind my eyes.
Emotionally I’m either flat or angry.
I isolate.
I have a very difficult time expressing myself beyond a keyboard. I’ve started and trashed so many posts since my last video. I get a couple of paragraphs written, my mood changes and I chuck it. I’ve also tried to make another video…but I hesitate, too often trying to find words…and I just become lost.
So, fuck it.
Additionally, those of you who express ‘I’m so sorry, Janet’…’Just get some rest’…etc., move me to feel nothing but the desire to puke on your shoes.
Carpe your own motherfucking diem, motherfuckers, I’m off to inhale meds and try to sleep.
And to all of my friends who have disappeared…I guess I must have unwittingly gotten in your way when you asked for my help. I honestly didn’t know that all of you were just using me.
I’m such a fucking idiot.


2 responses to “Ah…I’m Done. It’s just too hard.

  1. Can’t really click “like” – won’t say “sorry” – will say “I’m listening”. I think it’s hard for people to know what to say. The truth is that words can’t make it better and we still believe the opposite.

  2. Mark Aaron Murnahan

    Fuck yeah, Janet. Get down with your awesome self. Now tell how you really feel. 😉

    I say fuck “them” … Not fuck “it”.

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